Here’s what can be said about the movie Trespass:

  • The lighting was sufficient. Everyone could be seen with minimal eye strain to the viewer.
  • Nicole Kidman sure was in it. She was in it the whole movie…not to spoil anything.
  • You knew what was happening the whole movie because they filmed it. There were no unfilmed parts of this movie, which is good in a movie.
  • The actors memorized all their lines, and seemed to know what was going on most of the time.
  • The movie had a futuristic element to it: Nicole Kidman’s face seemed to be reverse aging throughout it.
  • Nicolas Cage is in it. Sometimes he yells, and sometimes he talks quietly. These are all his moods, so you get to see that in one place.
  • When characters were emoting, I could tell. The acting was present. They didn’t forget it at home. But maybe it went stale or they borrowed their roommates acting or something.
  • You never get lost in the plot because pretty much only one thing happens.

So, there you have it. A movie was made.

(with PZ)



April 30th, 2010

This is a historic date. The day that The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is available for Instant Watch.

Please refer to this helpful infographic!

This is great for literally 100 reasons. First of all, if its not yet clear to everyone, I love all incarnations of Nic Cage. I love the Nicolas Cage who effectively portrays a man killing himself with booze while falling in love with Elisabeth Shue. I love equally but differently the Nicolas Cage who magically has ALL OF HISTORY memorized. I love his “acting” (read:”hair”) in that movie, but HSM help you if you try to convince me its a good movie. Its not. Its also not historically accurate/informative, which people have somehow deluded themselves into thinking. Here’s a good clue guys: if its real history, its probably not fun. Is this fair to history? I think so. Think about it: how much of your life is fun? The majority? No. Now think about how they only invented fun 50 years ago, and before that you had to be a wage slave from the time you were old enough to not piss your pants. And before THAT you had to plant carrots and make your own cheese all day, which made your back hurt and gave you leathery skin if you lived to be past the age of 30. So yeah, I think my assertion that history is not a rollicking good time is pretty valid.

As you can see from the helpful picture I have provided, Cage has invested in a new brand of crazy weave for this role, and its perfect. I wouldn’t want him to recycle the one he used from the movie he made with Jessica Biel, it probably would STILL reek of her brand of acting.Yeah, I have the balls to complain about Jessica Biel’s performance in a movie where we’re getting Crazy Ass Cage, but where’s her Raising Arizona to make up for it? She doesn’t have one, and never will, because the wood cut out of a santa claus with fangs in my parent’s garage made before the Twilight craze cheapened its appeal has more talent than her. At least he’s subtle about his damn fangs for HSM’s sakes. She doesn’t give the the same courtesy in regards to her boobs.

Secondly, Jay Baruchel. That’s all I think I need to say on that subject.

Thirdly, judging by the trailers and posters, it looks like these two guys running around doing some shit that has little to do with the Mickey Mouse cartoon its based on. I like this because I like people just doing shit for no reason. I’m sure they give a reason, but hopefully its some bullshit like they have to defeat the rival evil wizard with his full head of real hair because he wants to harness some light energy to take over the world and give some small position of authority to his undoubtedly less attractive and possibly less human sidekick. Oh, how I hope his sidekick is a broom.

All told, I’ve probably been waiting to watch this moviefilm for a year and a half now. A year and a half. There is no movie in the world that could live up to that set of expectations. It could never be as good, as bad, as big, and as ridiculous as I want it to be. But that’s the neverending flow of life. You have huge hopes, you act on them,  they get dashed, and then in a delusional frenzy you craft equally high expectations for the next thing. One time my sister asked me if I wanted to go on a trip TEN TIMES IN A ROW and every time I agreed she tripped me. I was too blinded by my frenzy to go to Disney World to think about such petty logistical details as ‘my sister can’t drive’ and ‘she just tripped you seven times, this is probably the only trip she’s got an itinerary for’.

And that is why you should either never hope for anything, or accept that you’re a little bit of a deluded fool. And also why I’m going to watch the SHIT out of this movie. In like, 20 hours.

Quick thought while watching Trapped in Paradise

I am a huge fan of Nicolas Cage. I think the thing that really separates him from other actors is he doesn’t hesitate to utilize every possible emotion in every possible film role. He maximizes every single scene, and throws in  a few bonus histrionics where another actor would blanche from such a display.

Check it out:

Here he is presumably happy because he has a nice red scarf

But then, mere seconds later:

Things take a turn for the worse

This is the kind of mental, facial roller coaster that brings his fans back again and again,  clamoring for more.

The emotions he tends to convey  particularly well are:

  • Growling
  • Yelling
  • Running/confusion (this is something he’s been perfecting in the last few years of his career)

All people know that  these are the very best emotions, and therefore Nicolas Cage,  or Nic as I thought it was ok to call him but apparently its not, is the best actor ever, of any time or place.

Also I think the chick from Twilight learned her acting from ol’ Saint Nic. She doesn’t have the range,  but she expresses chapped lips perfectly. I’m  sure she’ll grow in time.