Here’s what can be said about the movie Trespass:

  • The lighting was sufficient. Everyone could be seen with minimal eye strain to the viewer.
  • Nicole Kidman sure was in it. She was in it the whole movie…not to spoil anything.
  • You knew what was happening the whole movie because they filmed it. There were no unfilmed parts of this movie, which is good in a movie.
  • The actors memorized all their lines, and seemed to know what was going on most of the time.
  • The movie had a futuristic element to it: Nicole Kidman’s face seemed to be reverse aging throughout it.
  • Nicolas Cage is in it. Sometimes he yells, and sometimes he talks quietly. These are all his moods, so you get to see that in one place.
  • When characters were emoting, I could tell. The acting was present. They didn’t forget it at home. But maybe it went stale or they borrowed their roommates acting or something.
  • You never get lost in the plot because pretty much only one thing happens.

So, there you have it. A movie was made.

(with PZ)



Oh shit, THAT day again

I’ve realized that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and while I will be celebrating the holiday by eating peas straight out of the can while reading hundred year old magazines for seven hours straight, at least the blog can have something more romantic going on than an article on punches (as appropriate and just as they may be).  So I now present to you the (admittedly short) list of things that have penetrated my grizzled , craisin-like heart. Just don’t tell anyone, ok?

1. Beauty and the Beast (1946)

I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy the Disney Beauty and the Beast, because that would be a flat out lie. Setting that aside, this movie is visually stunning. Its dreamlike and other-wordly. Maybe that’s  why I’m fine with accepting that a romance so bizarre could happen in this space.

I mean, seriously, yes.

2. Mallrats

Yeah, I dig the mall too!

Not the whole movie. I’m not insane. But the idea that TS was going to propose to his girlfriend on the Universal Studios Tour Ride when Jaws jumped out of the water is, for some reason, the best thing ever. And that reason being that its the worst thing ever and both characters think its genius. So maybe it is, because Jason Lee is always right.

Oh, he’s a Scientologist? Ok, I take it back, it is a stupid idea. Still a great joke.

3. Queen – Crazy Little Thing Called Love/Love of My Life

You can be romantically in love with a motorcycle. I won't stop you.

A love song to love and a ballad that’s bare and honest (yeah, I’m looking at you Don’t Want to Miss a Thing, with your jillion piece orchestra and your clips of Ben Affleck exploding into space) what’s not to like? Still, my favorite will always be the ode to loneliness Somebody to Love. Sorry.  I’m  trying to play by the rules, but that song is wonderful.

4. Kal Ho Naa Ho

This is probably the cheesiest entry on this  list. I spent the first hour of this movie not buying into it – there is a semi-Hindi cover of Roy Orbison’s Pretty Woman, for HSM’s sake. Its not pretty. And I don’t know if its the time investment in these characters or what, but by the end I was a complete blubbering mess. In public. In a classroom, no less. Yikes.

5. Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Fuckin' A!

So I’ve resorted to hardcore cheating now, because this movie is not a typical love story. Romantic and sexual relationships are just a mess for poor  Hedwig.  While they’re a driving force of the plotline, there isn’t a single romanticized version of love to be found here. But the journey that comes from the quest from love is wonderful to watch, so fuck it, its number five. Deal with it.

So happy Valentine’s Day, motherfuckers. Here’s a one day moratorium on moroseness on my part. Enjoy  it.

A thing I like!

Here’s my absolute favorite thing: I love it when someone, faced with any type of artwork that doesn’t conform rigidly to realism, mocks it for being weird and then goes back to eating their Dunkaroos, because clearly anything weird is not worth the time of day (which is not just a saying, by the way, day is an actual thing that happens  while you are sleeping if you happen to go to sleep at 5am).

Instead of allowing themselves even a basic, visceral response to stimuli, the brain short circuits at the slightest hint of novel stimuli and reroutes back to sub-par frosting and fourteen year old cookies, where it should be.

Ewww! I've never seen that happen! Change it!

I like this because I hate having to decide what’s good and what’s not, and I become insanely jealous when I hear others able to make this decision on their own based solely on their personal emotional responses to a piece of work. Blech! That’s what we pay Jay Leno for!

Thing to Do!

If you have a friend who has limited pop culture knowledge and they have any amount of respect for you at all,  you could say to them: “Hey, they just added this great movie, Wild Wild West, to Instant Watch. Wanna watch with me?”

Is that a robot spider shooting a lazer? What could be better?

Of course, there will be ramifications.

1935, the Gangsterest of all Years. Ever. Of All time.

Have you all seen that historical documentary, Back to the Future? You know, Michael J Fox goes back a generation and then forward a generation and then, just for kicks (from a donkey), goes back a hundred years? Ok, first of all, great film. I mean, the 7 Up series comes close, but of course a documentary where everyone ages in a linear fashion and you have to wait to find out what happens to them in adulthood is a little old fashioned, even by 80s standards.


But here’s the thing: following the logic of the series, shouldn’t we have gone back another generation? Why not go to 1935? Because in the 80s the 30s were too fucking raw to handle. That’s right, friends, Reaganomics had not a damn thing on Hoovervilles and the New Deal. Here’s why MJF could never have  hacked it in the 30s:

Futiley Fertile

No relation

1. Rampant adoptions – My grandmother claims that every time she went to the park, someone would try to adopt her because she was so cute. Shit was so bad people just assumed that any old cute kid would be theirs for the taking. While its clear that Madonna would have been right at home in the old ’35, MJF was in serious danger. He tended to stick close to his family, but even as a teenager he was a cutie pie little guy in serious danger of being swept away by some overenthusiastic Mommy and Daddy Warbucks.

Of course, my research into this claim is minimal. In case this is not true, I offer an alternative point: There was too much mercury in the fucking drinking water which led to people saying crazy  things their entire damn lives. This would also explain why my grandma hides her teeth in newspapers and then we have too look at the faint remnants of Family Circle under the nonfaint lipstick stains all day.  Its hell to get old, friends.


2. Big Bands – Imagine Hall and Oates. Nice, peaceful, “I Can’t Go for That” Hall and Oates (which, of course is a lie – you CAN go for that!). Now multiply that band by forty. This is exactly how  big Big Bands were. You might incorrectly assume that there were only about ten in a band, but each one of them was upwards of 9 feet tall. This is a false. You are thinking of Giant Bands, and they mainly play “world music”, which you wouldn’t like anyway, because that’s not a genre that brings about anything but pain.

While they played in suits and all seem very respectable, what everyone seems to disregard now, at their own  peril, is the fact that once they stopped playing, these bands were huge traveling gangs. There was many a time my grandfather crawled home bloody from coming down on the wrong side of that bastard, Glen Miller. Why do you think he disappeared without a trace in the 40s? Teddy Roosevelt  got sick of trombone players conking people on the head at the Circle K and sent a message. A strong one. Nowadays we just pretend Buddy Holly invented music. Sure old Foxy can hang with the 50s Rock and Rollers, but there’s no way he could have impressed Sammy Kaye. Unless maybe he turned into wolf and played the violin.

Pictured: Monthly meeting of the Milk Enthusiast Club


3. No booze! – As we all know, Prohibition was a rousing success and no one drank at all because of it. While this might not seem  like a problem to us, you have to keep in mind that Doc Brown’s partner in crime clearly was always sloshed. You’d have to  be not to realize that your girlfriend has turned into Elisabeth Shue during the  course of a normal conversation.

Wait, were you here a sec....forget it. Where's my flask?

Jeez man, even ODB didn’t like it THAT raw.

Permit me one last fright, please

I’m late with it,  I know, but I still want to share with you the scariest movie I watched this Halloween season.


Don't be fooled by the boy appearing to be lost in thought

Its a documentary about a bunch of people that  really could afford to read The Inferno, but probably have not.

For Halloween they create a “haunted house” that displays their ignorance on a number of controversial issues. What is scary is that its used to convert  people into a backwater mindless version of Christianity instead of shocking all teens into moving to the nearest city the second they are able.

It wouldn’t even have been that bad except for their attempt at a pentagram for the satanist scene:

Oh God.

First of all, clearly, they didn’t even tape this off and make the sides even. Have a little pride in your work, you lazy fucks. Duct tape is too much a price to pay for ETERNAL SALVATION? Your mouths say you care about God, but your shoddy workmanship says differently. The devil is in the details, you know.

Also, you know, maybe a fifth grader’s math knowledge would have clued you into the fact that a penta-gram should maybe not have six points.

And I left it until last as a joke, but fuck these ignorant goyim. No gelt for you this year.

On an unrelated side note – there appears to be a film entitled “Thankskilling”. This seems the natural companion to Gingerdead Man and should be covered fairly soon.

Evil Dead

I had the pleasure of seeing Evil Dead in the theater this weekend.


First of all, if you haven’t see this movie, you  need to. Like, post haste.  Its the godfather of semi-ironic horror movies, but its done right. Its ultra low budget, but oh, the things done with the money.

Things to keep an eye on while you watch:

  • Cheryl in the woods. I don’t want to ruin it for anyone who doesn’t know what to expect, and you won’t miss it, but…damn. This movie is raw.
  • The reactions of the male characters to what’s going on around them are priceless
  • If you re-enact Cheryl’s cellar antics it looks like you are trying to raise the roof. This will make you a total hit at parties. I mean, nerd parties, but still, there must be a couple of those going on during October you can  get an invite to and whip out your knowledge.
  • The barely concealed misogyny. I’m a  lady and I love this movie, but I’ve gotta call is like I see it

So its remastered and in theaters so go  see it already because everyone there will love it as much as you, as opposed to seeing You Again where you will probably turn into the Hulk if anyone laughs out loud. I’m just guessing though, because I haven’t seen it. Betty White did shoot me a quick email to tell me not to bother though, so I’m basing it on that.

If there isn’t a showing of Evil Dead near you, go see something awesome and bloody in a theater. Failing that, at least your friend’s basement. I’ve been meaning to tell you, you really need to air out ever since Neflix instant watch came to to the wii. You’ve also watched like, every episode of Futurama like, six times. Please, get out there, (shower first), and have some seasonally appropriate fun.