As part of the nation’s underemployed, I have a great deal of time to consider a great deal of things while waiting for my hair to dry. I could use a hair dryer and only think about the shape my hair will eventually take, but I prefer to be surprised and spend my time thinking about such things as:

1. How does Slacker radio know that I’m not doing anything? I mean, I’m not, but how does it know?

2. Can I buy a Meat is Murder shirt at the mall? I mean, not just do they sell a shirt that will simultaneously declare my affection for Moz and the gang and my disaffection for eating steak, but is there something philosophically wrong with purchasing it at one of our nation’s breeding grounds for Tweener fashion and smells? Or is that exactly the right place for it?

3. Did they ever release Sweating to the Oldies on DVD? And can I buy it for less than five dollars?

4. What kind of girl could Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson have been fighting over in The Girl is Mine? Honestly, WHAT could both men have been attracted to in a single human being?

Are any of these important questions? Absolutely not. Would the answers explain to me why Mitt Romney is distancing himself from his own healthcare plan that seems to have worked? No. I don’t think I ever will understand that one. But here they are. Written out for you because I haven’t written a blog post in over a month and lord knows our reader is probably pretty upset by that.


Michael Jackson Statue!

This is very important news.

The owner of the Fulham soccer club in London built a Michael Jackson statue outside the stadium. Great. This makes sense. And his reasoning?

both men depicted to scale

This guy is richer than you and doesn't give a fuck about what you say. But in a radder way than most.

“Football fans love it. If some stupid fans don’t understand and appreciate such a gift, they can go to hell.” I hope to HSM this is what the guy actually said. Yeah, I know its a quote, but last time I was quoted in the newspaper it was at least 15% stupider then what I actually said, which has shaken my belief in the almighty quote.

And seriously, if you’re in line at Starbucks or some shit and someone just gives you a bunch of roses to smell and look at and enjoy, would you throw it back and be all, “This gift makes no sense! What does it have to do with coffee?” No. Because you’re no idiot and were raised on Reese’s commercials and know the common sense logic that two great things are even greater together. Not that I think “football”/soccer is great, because the whole sport is built on the false premise that we could turn into reverse merpeople at any time and the game is ready for this change because you can’t use your damn arms anyway! But, here’s the thing, idiot, you have to breathe underwater then! So just breakdance instead because its better.

Dirty Diana wouldn't sex this thing up

Wait. What?

Now that we’ve established that I’m totally on this guy’s side and I think we should put up some more nonsensical statues of His Popness, we need to take a closer look at the thing. It ugly. Not in a “2009 Michael was Somethin Hella Creepy But Lets Remember Him That Way” type way (sorry bro, but few things give me the heebie jeebies more than MJ’s face in the last few years of his life). It’s just regular “This Statue Doesn’t Actually Look Like A Person” type ugly.

Then there’s the fact that he’s clearly white in this statue, and therefore rocking late 80s/early 90s hair/skin tone, but the jacket is so mid 80s. Did you even look at one picture of him, sculptor? Or were you like “Get outta hear with your LIFE Magazine retrospective shit. I GOT this!” Because you don’t. And now it just immortalized for like, all time. No big deal.

The base has music notes on it. Someone needs to play it and tell the world if it the bass notes to Billie Jean or like, Speed Demon or some shit. Not me though.If you think I’m buying a thousand dollar plane ticket to investigate this thing, you are VASTLY overestimating how much disposable income I have as well as how much disposable attention I have.

Thrills, minus the chills

Little known fact about Michael - he was seven feet tall

So, Michael Jackson died a year ago Friday. I’ve been asking people¬†what they’ve learned in the last year, and what I’ve learned from that exercise is that I’m freakishly effected by the death of a man I’ve never met.

So here, in no particular order, is what I would answer to that question:

  • Michael Jackson made a lot of music. Some of it is amazing pop. And some of it is a complete mess. The entire Invincable album is literally twice the length it should be. Listen to it sometime. Every song starts with a really long introduction of whooshes and ends with a chorus repeated thirty four times. What makes it worse is that the album’s “selling point” was that it was over SEVENTY MINUTES of new music.¬† I’m not paying for WHOOSES, MJ, bring on the godawful super loud high hat!
  • Michael had a super big, KILLER crush on Diana Ross. Then she got pissed because he danced better than everyone else in The Wiz. I guess Michael just figured out why thirteen year old girls pretend they can’t do math between the hours of 8 and 3 on weekdays.
  • Michael choreographed the dance that included the first occurance of THE MOONWALK in his kitchen the night before the show. He just closed his eyes and let the dance come to him. I tried the same thing and fell on my ass. Maybe he did the Konami Code first?
  • Cursive is the saddest font. Write Michael’s name in cursive and I get all verklempt.
  • Don’t. Let. Shaq. Rap. He will name drop mothafukin Shaqfu! And there’s nothing you can do to stop him! Giving that man a microphone and a guaranteed audience is worse than getting a mogwai wet.
  • The man could dance, sing, and create a show better than anyone else. He brought himself into the show in a way few of his modern day peers can match, with a level of intensity, originality, and passion that makes him a joy to listen to, and that’s how I choose to remember him.