April 30th, 2010

This is a historic date. The day that The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is available for Instant Watch.

Please refer to this helpful infographic!

This is great for literally 100 reasons. First of all, if its not yet clear to everyone, I love all incarnations of Nic Cage. I love the Nicolas Cage who effectively portrays a man killing himself with booze while falling in love with Elisabeth Shue. I love equally but differently the Nicolas Cage who magically has ALL OF HISTORY memorized. I love his “acting” (read:”hair”) in that movie, but HSM help you if you try to convince me its a good movie. Its not. Its also not historically accurate/informative, which people have somehow deluded themselves into thinking. Here’s a good clue guys: if its real history, its probably not fun. Is this fair to history? I think so. Think about it: how much of your life is fun? The majority? No. Now think about how they only invented fun 50 years ago, and before that you had to be a wage slave from the time you were old enough to not piss your pants. And before THAT you had to plant carrots and make your own cheese all day, which made your back hurt and gave you leathery skin if you lived to be past the age of 30. So yeah, I think my assertion that history is not a rollicking good time is pretty valid.

As you can see from the helpful picture I have provided, Cage has invested in a new brand of crazy weave for this role, and its perfect. I wouldn’t want him to recycle the one he used from the movie he made with Jessica Biel, it probably would STILL reek of her brand of acting.Yeah, I have the balls to complain about Jessica Biel’s performance in a movie where we’re getting Crazy Ass Cage, but where’s her Raising Arizona to make up for it? She doesn’t have one, and never will, because the wood cut out of a santa claus with fangs in my parent’s garage made before the Twilight craze cheapened its appeal has more talent than her. At least he’s subtle about his damn fangs for HSM’s sakes. She doesn’t give the the same courtesy in regards to her boobs.

Secondly, Jay Baruchel. That’s all I think I need to say on that subject.

Thirdly, judging by the trailers and posters, it looks like these two guys running around doing some shit that has little to do with the Mickey Mouse cartoon its based on. I like this because I like people just doing shit for no reason. I’m sure they give a reason, but hopefully its some bullshit like they have to defeat the rival evil wizard with his full head of real hair because he wants to harness some light energy to take over the world and give some small position of authority to his undoubtedly less attractive and possibly less human sidekick. Oh, how I hope his sidekick is a broom.

All told, I’ve probably been waiting to watch this moviefilm for a year and a half now. A year and a half. There is no movie in the world that could live up to that set of expectations. It could never be as good, as bad, as big, and as ridiculous as I want it to be. But that’s the neverending flow of life. You have huge hopes, you act on them,  they get dashed, and then in a delusional frenzy you craft equally high expectations for the next thing. One time my sister asked me if I wanted to go on a trip TEN TIMES IN A ROW and every time I agreed she tripped me. I was too blinded by my frenzy to go to Disney World to think about such petty logistical details as ‘my sister can’t drive’ and ‘she just tripped you seven times, this is probably the only trip she’s got an itinerary for’.

And that is why you should either never hope for anything, or accept that you’re a little bit of a deluded fool. And also why I’m going to watch the SHIT out of this movie. In like, 20 hours.



Oh hey, Sbarro, this is just a note to let you know that your sign is worded incorrectly. You claim that your baked ziti is “delicious”, when I think what you meant to say is “putrid”. Don’t feel bad, English is a super hard language to learn, and you’re doing really well. Its not like you can look up a picture of your limp dick noodles with no sauce and flavorless cheese-like substitute in an Italian to English dictionary – you just had to give it your best guess!

Don’t feel bad about getting it wrong. I’ve written fourteen letters like this to The Olive Garden, plus one unrelated to language (the hostess refused to give me more than two crayons. WHAT kind of establishment is THAT, I ask you? She had no idea I was planning on grinding the green one up on my salad to give it flavor).

If you have any more questions, feel free to contact me c/o Taco Bell. I don’t work there, but I make a regular habit of enjoying their Fiesta Potato Tacos. You should take note – they kept the adjectives in their native tongue (if you can call ‘party’ an adjective) – and effectively communicated the idea that these indeed would be loud, rambunctious, and best enjoyed on the weekend.



Procrastinating? Or important social research?

Conversation between three interchangeable bros at the student union:

Bro #1: Oh hey! I didn’t recognize you! How are you?

Bro #2: What? Seriously?

Bro#1: What’s going on man?

Bro#2: You seriously walked all the way over here and didn’t recognize me?!

This seems like a fairly uninteresting conversation, but please note, the one was offended that his friend didn’t immediately recognize him is dressed virtually identically to him AND the guy next to him. Also they are all wearing baseball caps indoors on a cloudy day. ALSO there are four of them and there have been the entire time (remember I said three?). That’s how much of  Herculean task it is to differentiate between bros. Lets also take note of the fact that only two of the four took part in this conversation, giving me the impression that one (one that spoke, three all together) of them is like that monster from Doctor Who that can take on multiple bodies if they are connected, but only one of them can speak at a time.

Paul Reiser

I’ll admit it. I totally watched The Paul Reiser Show premiere last week. Why? Because the dude kind of reminds me of my dad, and my dad is actually pretty funny. I mean, its mostly unintentional. My favorite thing is how he plays it pretty fast and loose with the vowels. If its a real word in the dictionary that you could play in Scrabble without any contention, my dad usually can get all but one vowel correct. So help you HSM if its a name, though. All bets are off.

We went to buy a computer a few weeks ago, and I was thinking about a Lenovo. Knowing his vowel problem I coached him beforehand so he wouldn’t sound like a technology crazed Hungarian immigrant. Watching him talk to the salesman, I think I know how parents must feel watching their kid get on stage to star in the skit introducing the third graders singing “Surrey With The Fringe On Top” and just totally bombing out of their minds. Every time he mentioned it he got further and further and further away from the real thing, until we ended up discussing Lanioviolos with a baffled sixteen year old.

So anyways, if my dad can do it on accident with no formal training, surely Paul Reiser with his years of experience in witticisms and squirrellishness can be funny. Right? Yeah, I didn’t think so either, but I still gave it a shot.

So the premise of this show is that Paul Reiser is a dick in real life, and only his public image is that of a nice guy. Larry David is the one to set this up in the show, claiming that he himself is the opposite of this. So naturally I spent the entire episode trying to figure out which thing Paul was doing was supposed to be interpreted by the viewer as dickish. Was it the monologue about how he loves being a dad, which made his friends feel guilty and call their own children? Was it him debating whether he wanted to host a game show? Was it the fact that this show replaced a shitstorm show? No, Larry David, you can’t convince me that these are not good things.

If I remember correctly, the entire premise of Mad About You was that Paul Reiser is kind of a mess and just bumbles through things. Fine. Good. Do that. Don’t try to out Larry David Larry David, because he was in the pilot being pretty great and you can’t compete on network TV anyway. Can you still not say Shit on NBC? Jeez man, you’re fucked if you want to make a show about an angry guy.

So would I recommend this show? No. Does this mean I’ll never watch it again? No. Let’s be real. In spite of the fact that the only thing I found funny was Larry David’s rant at the end of the show, its still much better than Extreme Couponing, which I’ve watched MORE THAN ONE EPISODE OF in spite of every episode consisting of “Imma buy 100 Gatorades because I can OH NO WHAT IF I CAN’T AFFORD ALL THIS FOOD I DON’T NEED OH PHEW I CAN GOODBYE I’M OFF TO DIABETES LAND YA’LLLLL!”

JK Rowling: STFU already

So is this before or after the gay spirit left his body? Hmm?

So the latest Harry Potter Shocker is that Lupin is an “ex-gay”, and that when we first meet him in Prisoner of Azkaban he’s a gay, but he eventually falls in love with Tonks.

Seriously, JK Rowling? Are you afraid that people are going to forget about Harry Potter if you don’t keep revealing things about your wizarding universe? Because its just the biggest book series ever. There are still people in my college lit classes who claim the Harry Potter books are their favorite books – quickly followed by the professor telling them that they’ll change that. My point still stands though: this thing is still a total juggernaut. The bitch is richer than the Queen. Just cool it with the drumming up attention already.

Secondly, if you’re going to keep outing gay characters, why couldn’t you have just, you know, written a happy one? Why do they have to be Forever Alone Dumbledore and “Seen the Light” Lupin? If you’re trying to teach kids through your books to be brave and true to themselves, you’re sure doing a shitty job of backing that up.  Sure you can be gay, as long as you never tell anyone you know and never actually date another gay person. The fuck?

And thirdly, Tonks had the ability to change her body at will. So in my universe, if I ever re-read the 5,000 total pages in the Harry Potter series (which I won’t), Imma give Tonks a lady dick when she starts dating Lupin. So put THAT in your Penseive and smoke it, Rowling.

Here’s the thing…

Some big changes are coming pretty soon. Pretty big and important changes. Such big changes that they warrant a totally independent blog from AGAF though your purveyors of useless garbage (Paperzombie & Elektro Girl) are the individuals this big change is smacking across the face. “But, why don’t you just update about that here?” You ask. “Shut your fucking whore mouth.” We respond. “It’s for your own good.” AGAF differs greatly in everything from the style of writing and topics to the basic information that will be updated on our new blog. But don’t fret, you may still come back to dear ‘ol AGAF for new articles and such. I even added an RSS feed FROM said new blog to the top left of THIS blog. Check out that fuckin’ shit fuck. Ladies and gentlemen…I bring you…

The Epic Saga of Paperzombie & Elektrogirl

Can you really sell everything?

Its always been free to look at The Fonz. Always will be. Accept nothing less. Know your rights!

Match.com is trying to lure me to their site by promising me I can look at pictures of single men FOR FREE. Guess what, match.com? I already have a way I can look at men for free – its called being a member of society and operating my life in the real world. Some of the other people there are men, and I look at them with my eye holes. Of course, not all of them are men, and not all of them are single, and yet for the everyday low price of no dollars I am allowed to fill my eyeballs up completely with others.


I know that I am violating no pre-arranged agreement to pay to look at men because no one has contacted me. “They” always contact me when I do something wrong, and I always make them contact me. I don’t take the initiative. If I do something wrong, its for a good reason, like I felt like it or didn’t want to invest the time to figure out how to do it correctly. That’s why there is always a guy assigned to figuring out if you’ve done something wrong. His name is usually something like Jason or Nick, and sometimes he gets satisfaction out of finding your mistakes and sometimes they pain him, but either way its his job and not mine. But he hasn’t come asking for my credit card information so I can be properly charged for all this unauthorized looking at things I’ve been doing, and that’s how I know I’m in the clear on this one, Jack.

Just ask Oscar Wilde about "the guy". There's always a "they".

In a similar vein, this is why I dislike Jimmy John’s. In every location they have a sign that advertises their awesome offer of “free smells”. Fuck you, Jimmy John’s. First of all, you don’t even toast your sandwiches so nothing really smells like anything in your place of business. Nothing is really being cooked. So you’re trying to entice me either to smell your perfectly uninteresting bread or the cologne of your cashier, Joe. There’s always a Joe, and he’s always pretty fine with what’s going on here. I guess he has to look that way, but it would help him if he tried to subtly disassociate himself from the sandwich snobbery going on around him.

In short, I hate the natural arrogance that comes with someone announcing that they will give you something for free that should never be monetized in the first place. Oh, a coupon for free tanning? So you’re making me come to you and give you something in order for you to gift to me fake sun rays that sort of approximate the thing I can get for free every day just by leaving the indoors – a place, incidentally, where you operate your tanning salon? Thanks, but, you know, no thanks.