Reason I Would Be A Terrible Woman #1: Tact

“Excuse me, my ladymouth is gushing. I’ll be right back to take your order after I clog it.” – PZ as a waitreYuss @ Applebee’s

“Your boyfriend’s got a disgusting Chester ‘stache. You must have daddy issues. Oh wait…I do too.”

“Come in here and look at these logs I just made. Lincoln would shit a house.”

“You what? You love me? Fag.”

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Gay City

Why does Chicago have several major sports teams that have names that double as gay subcultures?

The Chicago BEARS

Sodomite!

  • Bears: Bear is LGBT slang for those in the bear communities, a subculture in the gay/bisexual male communities and an emerging subset of LGBT communities with events, codes and culture-specific identity. It can also be used more generically to describe a physical type. Bears tend to have hairy bodies and facial hair; some are heavy-set or muscular; some project an image of working-class masculinity in their grooming and appearance (with an emphasis on the use of suspenders). – Wikipedia

Fuck yeah, suspenders!

The Chicago CUBS

Sinner!

  • Cubs: A term used in gay circles to describe a young, [perhaps] husky, hairy gay man. Essentially a young “bear”. – Somebody on Yahoo Answers…I know that’s not a legit website, but it’s a true definition.

Also, they’re adorable. Cubs FTW

The Chicago WOLVES

_

You're not beautiful and majestic...you're a homo!

  • Wolves: Wolves are bears that are typically more aggressive and OVERTLY masculine. – MaximumAwesome.com

If you’re a gay man and you don’t think you’ve experienced a “wolf” before – well if you’ve been “woofed” at, which I have…repeatedly…then you, my friend, have stared down a wolf.


Dear Freshman Girl on the Quad-

I don’t know what “Welcome to College” pamphlet you were given, but  the information about needing to wear heels to class is not true. You can – and probably should, wear flats WOAH HO HO HOLY SHIT it looks like your knobby knees are going to snap. Have you ever worn heels before? Why did your fool head choose a day you have to walk back and forth across campus all day to give this a whirl? You must have realized like, a block away from  your dorm that this was a terrible idea. Why didn’t you turn around then and fix it?

And yes, I see you too, Sweatpants All The Time Girl. You’re no better. You look like you dropped  a load in  your pants because you didn’t realize that in college you can use the bathroom when  you need to.

In short – get it together, ladies

Fuck. Yes.

Of course, if you were wearing these I would back the fuck off. Betch Better Work.

Another Facebook Rant

PRELUDE: I have reached that point in my life when all my friends have begun to get  married.  This is a very exciting time in my life filled with friends, new outfits, hotels, dancing, free food and drinks.  This is also a time in my life when I see people from high school (who, no doubt, peaked in attractiveness around 2004 and still wear Hollister and A&F clothing –don’t even get me started there) and empty bank accounts from the hotel stays, wedding presents and new outfits – which only get ruined by the high school D-bags who bring their drinks to the dance floor. Well, I guess you’ve got to take the good with the bad.

I was doing some stalking on facebook the other day.  Not the Everyone puts the word “stalking” in quotations when they are trying to be cute when talking about looking at friends’ profiles kind of stalking, like the I’m judging and laughing at all these people who left their profiles open to Friends of Friends kind of stalking.  So here I am, browsing and giggling away and I come across my favorite stranger pictures to aimlessly click through… Wedding Albums.  After spending more time in these rando’s albums than I like to admit, I start clicking on their profiles only to find status updates that pushed me over the edge of sanity. After the rage subsided, I put together a list of Facebook DON’Ts for those of you who are getting married or are newly married. Fuck! Even if you have been married for 27 years – you can benefit from this too.

1. DO NOT update your status or post pictures when you are on your honeymoon. Isn’t the point of a honeymoon is to spend time alone with your new spouse?  Don’t be blogging about the things you’re doing in between coital adventures.  Leave your status as “On my honeymoon” and enjoy. PS: I hope it doesn’t ruin the romance knowing that EVERYONE knows that you’re having sex all weekend… including your parents.

2. DO NOT use the word “hubby” when referring to your new husband.  Nobody in the known world  seriously uses the word “hubby” outside of the internet.  Would you introduce your man to your co-workers as “my hubby”? No. You would not. Why? Because its inappropriate and you sound like a dimwit.  Earth to Trixie – It’s not cute.  It’s not trendy.  So for the love of Pete, stop fucking using that pretend word.

3. DO NOT update your status on how much you love your husband or how wonderful he is every half hour. DUH!  Of course you love him and think he’s wonderful (now).  Why else would you marry him? You don’t need to rub it in all of your single friends faces.  I’m not saying you can’t post about your sweetie. Just stop interrupting the “incredibly romantic” gestures with “Sorry honey, I have to update my status…”

4. DO NOT post on boring day-to-day activities that no one cares about – including your spouse. This goes for ALL married couples, not just newlyweds.  Doing dishes?  I don’t care.  Cleaning the bathroom? Shut the hell up.  Making dinner? Get the fuck outta here.  Unless Merlin charms your dishes to wash themselves (The Sword in the Stone), the toilet talks (Look Who’s Talking Too), or Uncle Buck is making you enormous pancakes, I don’t want to read about it. So stop it. Stop it OK? Ok.

10 Movies That Made Me Not Only Believe in Love But Also the Film Industry and the Idea of REAL Love

Okay, so I’m less bitter now.  A post I wrote a few months ago around Valentine’s Day (Things I Previously Thought About Love, Thanks To Hollywood, That Came Back to Fuck Me in the Ass or Damage Me in Some Way, Shape, or Form) may or may not have been fueled by a very ill-timed and long overdue break-up.  It doesn’t mean I don’t stand by what I wrote, however.  Most of those ideas can still go eat a dick.  However rewatching one of my favorite films the other day made me a little less cynical and a little more hopeful for something possibly a little bit more real, no matter what kind of love it is…

1.  Away We Go (2009)

2.  Amélie (2001)

3.  Secretary (2002)

4.  Paris, je’taime

5.  Adam

6.  Garden State

7.  (500) Days of Summer

8.  Brokeback Mountain

9.  Steel Magnolias

10.  Dangerous Liaisons

More Facebook Rants

I’ve mentioned before that there are a great many ways to use facebook incorrectly. This is not untrue. Here’s another thing I hate:
When a person’s “about me” section says, “If you want to know something, just ask!”

First of all, this means that in spite of creating an entire page about yourself, you are too lazy to think of one thing to say in summation? There is nothing about you that doesn’t fit within the confines of your interests? Even “I’m a pro” would be better than, “just ask”. At least I’m a pro might prompt a question.

Secondly, you are implying that you think that your pictures and interests will be so compelling that people accidentally surfing on to your page will feel an irrepressible urge to contact you in some way. They will need to get to know you on a deeper level through this social networking media and a game of twenty questions.

So basically, the message these people think they are conveying is, “Hey! I’m fun, open, and honest. I love meeting new people and I’m laid back enough that I don’t mind any questions you might throw my way!”

What they are actually saying is, “I’m so dull even I’ve grown tired of talking about myself, and I’m so desperate to make friends I have time to answer any banal question that might come my way through leaving this bland open invitation to delve into my subconscious forest. A forest, by the way, that wouldn’t produce enough paper to print a list of books this person has read.

Either have an about me or don’t. Its that simple, people.

Are You Serious? Homeless Chic?

Let’s start at the beginning of this thought process.  My friend and I went to the vegan fast food place in Wicker Park, a neighborhood I normally tend to avoid.  But the draw of delicious and fast vegetarian fare proved to be too magnetic to resist.  It’s called Tasty Bite just in case anyone is curious.  Anyways, as we were walking back to my parking spot, I saw what appeared to be a young homeless man-complete with ridiculously excessive layers of ratty clothing, unkempt hair, and large packs that appeared to contain the fruits of his dumpster diving labor-lurking near my car.

I turned to my friend Keith, somewhat concerned, and said, “what is that homeless guy doing to the car?”

To which he replied, “Oh, that guy’s not homeless, he’s a hipster.”

“How can you tell?” I inquired.

“He’s at the parking pay station you parked next to.  I could tell he was a hipster because he has a car.”

A reasonable-ish representation of the homeless chic look

So, obviously I am no hipster.  For several reasons.  One, I like what I like because I like it, not because it’s ironic.  See below.

How far can you push an attempt at irony before you create an infinite loop of idiocy?

Two,  I have a job.  And you don’t get or keep a good job looking like you are just rolling in off a 2 day meth binge without showering and minus the clothing you ripped off with your amphetamine fueled super-human strength.  But you might be able to wait tables in a hipster coffee shop or something while you’re waiting for the income to come in from your ironic “artwork” or “music.”

Would you give this loser a job? Yeah. Didn't think so.

Lastly, I am into things like hygiene and self-respect.  The whole hipster style has evolved (devolved)  into a ridiculous mockery of grooming, fashion, music and artwork.  And people proudly photograph their droll selves in this filthy state with smug looks of pomposity, as if they hold the secret to cool.  I guess I’ll just never be that radical.

Let this be a warning to you, friends. Once you start down the path of hipster-dom, self portraits like this are in your future.

I don’t want to fit in with the cool crowd if it means creating a whole ‘look’ that may get me mistaken for a homeless person on purpose.

**Thank you LATFH.  Without you it would have been impossible to illustrate my point.**