Where fore art thou, True Blood?

Remember Eric Northman's horrible hair in season one? REMEMBER IT FOREVER!

Fine. FINE. The recent brash of vampire cinema and television is enough to make even the most die-hard undead fanatic sick, mostly due to the wildly unpopular Twilight franchise and their near-psychotic fanbase of “Twihards”. Wow. Little do these Hot Topic spazzes know that a much better written, much more ORIGINAL, better acted, and better created exists with a book series that predates their little Mormon suckfest. “The Sookie Stackhouse Series” or “The Southern Vampire Series” complete with *GASP* sex scenes and pre-marital sex (it’s illegal to marry a vampire…because they’re fucking dead, perverts).

If you’ve seen the show, you know what I’m talking about. Hot fairies, vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters, witches, serial killers…love it. Love it all. Love it on toast. Love it in a tree. Hot fantasy things in hot fantasy-like scenarios including missing persons, “vampire rights”, religious discrimination, and of course, love triangles/hexagons.

Where oh where has my show been and when will it return to me?! Their current fanpage is under construction…I guess ondemand and DVDs will have to suffice until season 4!

http://trueblood.org/

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Paul Reiser

I’ll admit it. I totally watched The Paul Reiser Show premiere last week. Why? Because the dude kind of reminds me of my dad, and my dad is actually pretty funny. I mean, its mostly unintentional. My favorite thing is how he plays it pretty fast and loose with the vowels. If its a real word in the dictionary that you could play in Scrabble without any contention, my dad usually can get all but one vowel correct. So help you HSM if its a name, though. All bets are off.

We went to buy a computer a few weeks ago, and I was thinking about a Lenovo. Knowing his vowel problem I coached him beforehand so he wouldn’t sound like a technology crazed Hungarian immigrant. Watching him talk to the salesman, I think I know how parents must feel watching their kid get on stage to star in the skit introducing the third graders singing “Surrey With The Fringe On Top” and just totally bombing out of their minds. Every time he mentioned it he got further and further and further away from the real thing, until we ended up discussing Lanioviolos with a baffled sixteen year old.

So anyways, if my dad can do it on accident with no formal training, surely Paul Reiser with his years of experience in witticisms and squirrellishness can be funny. Right? Yeah, I didn’t think so either, but I still gave it a shot.

So the premise of this show is that Paul Reiser is a dick in real life, and only his public image is that of a nice guy. Larry David is the one to set this up in the show, claiming that he himself is the opposite of this. So naturally I spent the entire episode trying to figure out which thing Paul was doing was supposed to be interpreted by the viewer as dickish. Was it the monologue about how he loves being a dad, which made his friends feel guilty and call their own children? Was it him debating whether he wanted to host a game show? Was it the fact that this show replaced a shitstorm show? No, Larry David, you can’t convince me that these are not good things.

If I remember correctly, the entire premise of Mad About You was that Paul Reiser is kind of a mess and just bumbles through things. Fine. Good. Do that. Don’t try to out Larry David Larry David, because he was in the pilot being pretty great and you can’t compete on network TV anyway. Can you still not say Shit on NBC? Jeez man, you’re fucked if you want to make a show about an angry guy.

So would I recommend this show? No. Does this mean I’ll never watch it again? No. Let’s be real. In spite of the fact that the only thing I found funny was Larry David’s rant at the end of the show, its still much better than Extreme Couponing, which I’ve watched MORE THAN ONE EPISODE OF in spite of every episode consisting of “Imma buy 100 Gatorades because I can OH NO WHAT IF I CAN’T AFFORD ALL THIS FOOD I DON’T NEED OH PHEW I CAN GOODBYE I’M OFF TO DIABETES LAND YA’LLLLL!”

Holy Shit, Remember? (Pt. I)

All That (1994 – 2005)
Setup: An ensemble cast of tweens and children acting out sketch-style comedy routines with a weekly musical guest.Comments: All That: what a winner. The launching pad for several notable Hollywood thespians such as Lori Beth Denberg, Amanda Bynes, and Kenan Thompson…oh wait, all of those people can eat my poo. The only memories this show instilled in my lobes are something to do with Coolio, TLC having some part of something, and hating the little douche-girl who imitated Ross Perot. Really, Nickelodeon? Gender-switching political humor for fail-tweens?
Best Moment: Cancellation.

Nick Arcade (1992 – 1993)
Setup: Phil Moore escorts children into the virtual dimension for adventure style arcade gaming.
Comments: This show is sick. Phil Moore sucks children into a virtual realm from which there is no escape and then laughs from afar as they are pelted with fireballs, bats, and goblins. “Look! Look at you fail! Your digital corpse shall rot in digital hell where your parents will never find you!” Actually, this show was pretty bomb ass. Dear HSM, why isn’t there anything like this today instead of sexy girl avatards on Warcraft played by untouched 22 year-old boydick.
Best Moment: This bitch embodying fail. Thanks, Nadine.

Are You Afraid of the Dark? (1991 – 1996)
Setup:
A group of kids meet each week around a campfire to tell scary stories.
Comments: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this tale “The Reason You Will Never Sleep Again”. This shit was not intended for children. That disgusting guy above was featured in the horrifying “The Tale of Dead Man’s Float”. The only thing that floated was the poo in my pants after I shit them. That particular story was about a high school’s pool that is reopened after a drowning occurred years back and a few kids find out this fucking thing (pictured above) is grabbing kids and pulling them under. NOT. FOR. CHILDREN! There were also stories of creatures stealing campers in the woods, witches boiling children, clowns following kids home…just…pure pantshiteousness.
Best Moment: The terrifying opening credits…

PS: Goosebumps pretty much blew ass.

Clarissa Explains it All (1991 – 1994)
Setup: Purportedly, see title.
Comments: Bitch didn’t explain shit. I was just a child when this show came out and could have used a tween pillar of knowledge of the world. You know what I got? A confused and lame bitch princess who complained about wanting a new Gremlin in the driveway, not having a boyfriend, and how hard life is in the suburbs. Tell the young girls in the audience why they’ll be bleeding in a few years. Tell me why my father hits me while my mother just stares through me like a plate-glass window…TELL ME, CLARISSA!
Best Moment: The awkward guitar riff that plays when her manfriend enters through her bedroom window? Nookie? Nah. Just good ol’ fashioned platonic love. Skip to 0:32 for the beautiful music…

Double Dare (1986 – 1988)
Setup:
Marc Summers hosts a trivia show where winners are rewarded by being pushed through a disgusting obstacle course.
Comments: This show wasn’t double dare, it was…trivia? I think. I don’t know.
Best Moment:
The…physical challenges? Nobody watched this.

Hey Dude (1989 – 1991)
Setup:
A group of “teens” slum it on an old-timey style western ranch.
Comments: Hey duuude. This show started off the awesome and ludicrously relevant why-are-you-married-to-Ben-Stiller-istic career of Christine Taylor. Other than that there was not much else about this show. Honestly, I remember changing the channel as long as I heard the droning intro “Hey duuude…” with a lazy country rock guitar solo. Fuck you, guitar solo. You don’t belong here.
Best Moment: Racism. Seriously, this show was chock full of it. Perhaps they were asking for it by casting a Mexican born actor named JOE TORRES to play the resident and necessary DANNY LIGHTFOOT Hopi.

Kids Incorporated (1984 – 1993)
Setup:
An ensemble of little kids act, sing, and dance in a sketchy, cabaret style presentation.
Comments: Birthplace of Fergie’s fame. It turns out, at one point in her horrendous existence, Fergie was a female human and NOT a ridiculous hermie-Trashmonster. But other than that, I can’t really knock this show considering the fact that I loved it. Was it funny? No. Could these children really sing? Can any? Jennifer Love Hewitt got her start here…that means they could sing, yeah? Fuck no. But Goddamnit I ate this shit up as a mushy-brained toddler.
Best Moment: The intro…

Legends of the Hidden Temple (1993 – 1995)
Setup:
Typical game show taking place in the jungle, oversaw by the ominous Olmec.
Comments: Shit was intense. If you fucked up on the Moat, you fell into fog and didn’t come back. If you done fucked a trivia answer, you do NOT scale the Steps of Knowledge. Worse of all, if you take too long or chose the wrong room/idol during the Temple Run…a Temple Guardian would snatch you away to the back to perform horrible rituals only the Hideous Space Monster knows about.
Best Moment: Olmec knows your name!

The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo (1996 – 1999)
Setup: Mr. Myagi’s granddaughter solves crimes by being Asian.
Comments: I would say that she solved crimes by help of her cunning wit and immense intelligence, but really if she was white and Chuck Norris’ niece, nobody would give a shit and she’d be dumb as a chair. A chair. Mr. Myagi was never happy about the situation, considering they were just humble Innkeepers, that housed an Inn of numerous horrors and crimes. Did the FBI every get involved with this house of innumerable horrors? No. Know why? Mr. Myagi has that shit under control.
Best Moment: Hm…all of it.

Ren & Stimpy (1991 – 1998)
Setup:
Ren is a Mexican chihuahua and Stimpy is his retarded cat friend. Together they are horrifying, hilarious, and ridiculously pivotal in my youth.
Comments: This show was wonderfully drawn, voiced, edited, and written. Holy shit. I wasn’t allowed to watch this show as a child, much like most people in my generation. So, obviously, Sunday mornings rolled around and I watched it with my father. Mom would just sit and smoke while nodding her head. I heard her laugh a few times, which she obviously denies. Anyways…there was no single episode that stood out more than any other or anything of that sort – the entire series is just epic and putrid. It goes without saying that without the booger, nipple, pee, and fart humor that Ren & Stimpy brought to the screen, there would not be the likes of such shock cartoons as you’ll see today.
Best Moment: LOG!

Roundhouse (1992 – 1996)
Setup:
In Living Colors alumni produce a sketch comedy troupe staring all teens and early 20-somethings.
Comments: The troupe known as the Anyfamily preformed various sketches usually involving some real issue or relevant crisis to “today’s youth” centered around a hip hop style and a revolving stage. What’s not to love? This show got a generation of kids into theatre, comedy, and ready for the shitfest coming in the near future (See All That). Though it had a short 4 year run, it is still credited with inspiring a generation of SNICK shows.
Best Moment: Kickass intro song.

Salute Your Shorts (1991 – 1992)
Setup:
Kids go to camp.
Comments: These obviously Canadian kids were annoying yet endearing as fuck. Remember Donkey Lips? Z.Z.? Sponge? Mona? Ug lee? Me too. And I can’t forget!!! The staff and attendees of Campy Anawanna (which we apparently hold in our hearts, which is responsible for the making of us fart) went through a rich tradition of hazing, pranking, getting lost in the woods, and random dubious shenanigans usually revolving around “getting Ug Lee”. What did Ug ever do to anyone? Your parents are paying this man to give you a great summer and you repay him by flypapering his face to the ceiling. Assholes. And that assholish mulleted redneck, Budnick? Fuck that kid.
Best Moment: “It makes me wanna fart.” Nothing makes you want to fart besides waste resting in your bowels. Perv.

Space Cases (1996 – 1997)
Setup:
“Lost in Space” with a school of aliens.
Comments: The black guy from Power Rangers was on this show, I think. I don’t know, I really loathe the idea of reading more into this show than I have to. I’m pretty sure he played the Earthling among the other “races” of aliens. This…was a disaster. Disasters. One year, one season, one reason these young budding actors probably didn’t see another script proposal again.
Best Moment: The near-constant and currently relevant racial tension between the kid from the Andromeda galaxy and everyone else.

Welcome Freshman (1991 – 1993)
Setup: “Saved By the Bell” for people who hated “Saved By the Bell” as well as most television and happiness.
Comments: No comment. I really barely remember this show so I figured I’d put it up on this list like the vague memory of a fart just leaving the room.
Best Moment: Remembering this show.

Wild and Crazy Kids (1990 – 1992)
Setup
: Giant groups of kids on three separate color teams compete in large-scale outdoor games.
Comments: Everyone who remembers this show remembers wanting to be on it. You got to be outside, winning awesome prizes, hanging with Cuba Gooding Jr.’s brother Omar (who, respectively, hung with Mr. Cooper) and getting on TV. Primarily, the show featured near the beginning of its game a giant pie fight where the team captains were also subjected to face-pies. They played Steal the Bacon, tag, hide and seek, Slip ‘n Slide races, rode roller coasters holding water, played Simon Says…ALL for prizes on TV…I mean…C’MON!!! I want that!
Best Moment: Celebrity guests such as Roseanne…and…Roseanne…

Site Review: Test “http://testpi.com/”

The site has a very clean layout that couples well with being aesthetically pleasing by use of color, image, and spacing. The main problem with http://testpi.com/ is that the links are in a non-specific order in a cloud formation as a whole on the entire body of the page instead of being formally organized, alphabetized, or categorized in any manner.

Though the organization really lacks, the site does offer a search to find exactly what you are looking for on the operator’s website. Most notably the website is powered by WordPress which opens it up to a larger range of viewers interested in test information and this site’s specific information.

Sidekicks & Side Characters that Overshadowed the Protagonist and/or Main Story

Submitted for your approval: a group of friends. You probably hopefully have one. There’s a solid group of around five or six of you guys and one Friday night you decide to go out to the bar. (PS: Why is it common language to say “the bar” as opposed to “a bar”. As if there is one bar per city in America leaving no options or decisions to be made on the weekends every night.) When you get to The Bar you each have a couple of drinks – except one of you. One of you have a couple of drinks plus some. This is your comrade that is ordering drinks and making friends with the idiots on either side of him/her that they had to push through to get to the bartender. He/she is the one that at the end of the night knows the doorman’s birthplace and name phone-number. This is your sidekick and you and your friends are probably the main story. They are the wildcard to your poker game. Sure, you’re all playing – but he/she is playing to win. This character is prevalent everywhere in society, but most clearly in film.  Here is a list of movie characters that either third-wheel the protagonist or block the main story and characters out of memory completely.

1. Phil & Lil to Tommy Pickles (Rugrats)

Phil and Lil are hilarious, no matter what you say or how old you are. They’re nasty, they’ve got stupid voices, and don’t know how to speak no good. Most of the time they are the more mischievous ones that perpetrate the majority of the group’s shenanigans (of which there are many). Tommy Pickles has a Hideous Space Monster Complex and has “‘sponsibility” to lead the group. Who gave you this ‘sponsibility, Thomas? Who, I ask you?

2. Hermione Granger to Harry Potter (Harry Potter)

It goes without saying that Hermione is adorable. Some may say that now she’s hot or spankalicious, but honestly she is simply adorable. Harry is gangly and awkward. Besides aesthetics, the books even heavily accentuate that Hermione is a much more talented and powerful witch than Harry “The Chosen One” Potter, but she gets a bad rap for being a mudblood. She saves their asses in ways I don’t feel like recounting more times than I can count while Harry stands back in awe and is there for the final move. Hell, Nevel Longbottom even stares down Voldemort and offs a Horcrux before Harry comes in. “I loosened it for you.” Oh, and fuck Ron.

3. Bub against The Living (Day of the Dead ’85)

You most likely have seen this dude before. He’s like the little girl zombie from the original Night of the Living Dead. He’s an icon of the undead. He’s Bub. Bub likes music and even having reading Stephen King novels read to him. He’s a cool guy, indeed, but also you’ve gotta realize he’s a fuggin zombie and wants to eat your body flesh. Do we care, though? Absolutely not. Because this hunk of dead guy is more interesting than the rest of the characters in the movie.

4. McLovin’ to Michael Sera and Jonah Hill (Superbad)

Yes, I fucking realize I used Christopher Mintz-Plasse’s character name in Superbad but then stated both the other main characters’ names instead of their characters – know why? Because Mintz-Plasse was actually playing a character, whereas the other two fucknuts were playing themselves living on screen. Do you even remember their names in the movie? No. Because they didn’t have any. Seth Rogen was Seth Rogen. Jonah Hill was Jonah Hill. And Michael Cera was a piece of shit.

5. Jack & Karen to Will & Grace (Really?)

In the last few seasons of this long-dead sitcom, I think even the writers knew that these two character’s were more entertaining than the idea of a *gasp* straight girl and gay guy living together! Karen was a drug addict with a fat husband and Jack was an egotistical queen. Apart they were heavenly. Together they were phenomenal. Together with Will & Grace they were…the only people getting laughs from the audience. Yikes. Oh, well.

6. Dori to Marlin (Finding Nemo)

Finding Nemo is the best Pixar film. Don’t fucking argue with me, I am correct. It has the best/most original story, takes place UNDER-the fuck-WATER, and hosts a slew of side characters that not only spice up the story, but in fact make the story. Marlin? That annoying clown fish with a deflated-Jewish wit? Remember him? Neither does my 3-year-old niece when I asked about the subject. Know who she likes? Dori. Dori, Squirt, and “Squishy”. The rest are good too. She doesn’t mind Bruce – but really? Ellen-Fish is where it’s at.

7. Death to Bill & Ted (Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey)

If you’ve seen this cultural gem, then you know of what I speak. Death is the shit. He not only makes this movie 10x better, he is in fact one of my favorite comedic performances in the history of ever. They took the classic Grim Reaper wagering souls in Chess and poured a hot-bucket of late 80’s pop-culture into his face. He became socially awkward, unable to get away with a good joke, culturally delayed, bitter, bald guy who they crossdress in heaven, force to play Battleship and Twister, and humiliate with wedgies. You…just can’t get away with this shit in cinema anymore. Example: In order for Bill and Ted to build the “Good-Robot-Us’s” that are needed to defeat the “Evil-Robot-Us’s” sent from the future to kill the two stoners who will eventually rule the world, Bill, Ted, and Death find the universe’s smartest scientist(s) in heaven named Station. Station, Death, Bill, and Ted return to Earth and invade a hardware store where, of course, Death pushes Station around in the shopping cart while carrying his scythe and warning an in-store smoker of “Seeing him real soon”. That isn’t a lie. This shit OCCURED in this film. So much win. SO MUCH!

8. Special mention: STATION!!!

And when they take a running-start and charge one another – they become…MEGA STATION!

Site Review: GRE Prep Book “http://greprepbook.org”

One may make the assumption, coming across ‘http://greprepbook.org/’, a GRE Prep Book website by Dranb LCC that it lacks style or design.  However, anything dranb.com lacks in style it clearly makes up for in accessibility and readability.

On the main-page, the website shows a side-bar on the right-hand side of links relatively obviously named, therefore accentuating and ease of surfing through the site.  The main-page also shows these links in the body, but with different names which may confuse some prospective clients, as well as rendering the side-bar useless.

The body of the site also contains a video link to YouTube with relative information for viewers.  Videos are a great way to accentuate websites and draw attention to certain aspects or services offered by the website.  However, this video is pushed below the list of links and is not centered or visually pleasing due to its size and body placement.

However, each link on the side-bar, or the sub-sites of dranb.com, is very well thought out, easy to read, and visually pleasing. Overall the site could use some simplification in information and setup, but could use a little sense of style or visual appeal.

Say You Wanna Dance!

Dancing? You be the judge

There are approximately 100 things I love about the Whitney Houston I Wanna Dance With Somebody video, and that’s not even counting the fact that I can choose not to think about what a mess she made of her voice while watching. Life is about choices, people.

The first thing is that 80s Whitney Houston is the worst actress ever. Seriously, she’s worse than your little cousin trying to convince you she didn’t eat chocolate pudding today when its all over her face. The way she conveys thinking, for example, is by looking up both slowly and jerkily, as if the combination is what will really sell it.

Recalling all that Hegel she was reading before the show

So then there’s the fact that there are two Whitneys in this video. There’s the serious Whitney, who gets off the stage and immediately puts on a scarf and begins to ponder in a hidden corner backstage. Her brain is in her throat, you see. That’s a Whitney fun fact I bet you didn’t  know. Also, the “smart” Whitney is in black and white, and the “fun” Whitney is the most extreme color explosion I’ve ever seen in my life. It makes the recent Speed Racer live action movie look like Eraserhead.  She throws giant confetti after sitting in a color changing room that only chooses to change to the brightest 80s neon colors technology could create.

Also fun Whitney gets at least a foot more of hair. Is this fair? No. But there it is.

The tragedy of this video is that the concept has to revolve around dancing, and Ms. Houston really is not a dancer. Sure, she can sort of kick her legs around and sort of rhythmically snap, but this is not dancing. So in the video they solve this by having her do a lot of gestures that you do in the mirror in the sixth grade when you think you’re really, really connected to that one Queen song that’s over the top. Then they have her watch people dance while she gets too excited about it. Then they put her in front of people dancing in a vaguely Michael Jackson Bad-ish scene while she sort of points in rhythm with them, and the illusion is complete! Now that she’s a “dancer”, she can shake the other people in the video violently and DEMAND that they dance.

In summation, I am going to adapt basically every look from this video into a modern interpretation and wear it. Even the belted jean jacket.

Ok, maybe not the lime green jumpsuit, but you get the idea.