JK Rowling: STFU already

So is this before or after the gay spirit left his body? Hmm?

So the latest Harry Potter Shocker is that Lupin is an “ex-gay”, and that when we first meet him in Prisoner of Azkaban he’s a gay, but he eventually falls in love with Tonks.

Seriously, JK Rowling? Are you afraid that people are going to forget about Harry Potter if you don’t keep revealing things about your wizarding universe? Because its just the biggest book series ever. There are still people in my college lit classes who claim the Harry Potter books are their favorite books – quickly followed by the professor telling them that they’ll change that. My point still stands though: this thing is still a total juggernaut. The bitch is richer than the Queen. Just cool it with the drumming up attention already.

Secondly, if you’re going to keep outing gay characters, why couldn’t you have just, you know, written a happy one? Why do they have to be Forever Alone Dumbledore and “Seen the Light” Lupin? If you’re trying to teach kids through your books to be brave and true to themselves, you’re sure doing a shitty job of backing that up.  Sure you can be gay, as long as you never tell anyone you know and never actually date another gay person. The fuck?

And thirdly, Tonks had the ability to change her body at will. So in my universe, if I ever re-read the 5,000 total pages in the Harry Potter series (which I won’t), Imma give Tonks a lady dick when she starts dating Lupin. So put THAT in your Penseive and smoke it, Rowling.


Case of the Mondays?

I swear to HSM, at some point I will write another article on things I like. Genuinely like, not hate to like or sarcastic like. But here is a list of things that need to die horrible horrible deaths:

  • Bling-Bling– in slang years, this is 80 years old. Once its made its way into ICING marketing it officially  becomes dead weight. You COULD be cool if you use this word, but its about as likely as a swallow making a transcontinental flight with a coconut.

    I'm trying to make my own feet look more appealing.

  • Leggings in place of pants – we did this in the nineties, it looked like shit. I know, you think you can pull it off and everyone who can’t is just jealous. We’re also jealous that you’re so much deeper than us and live such a fabulous life that you can’t even take the time to pull on real pants in the morning. Its all we do is sit around and think about how we wish we were you. Or we’re just sick of trying to avert our eyes from the desperately struggling back seam of your leggings trying to hold on for dear life. One of the two.
  • People who complain about the quantity/quality of free things – whether its the size of a sample at Costco or the selection of movies you can stream for free on Netflix, this is a thing being thrown in  for no additional cost. If you don’t like it, you have the choice to NOT take advantage of it. You also have the option of, you know, actually paying for something. And if you’re too poor to buy  your own veggie flavored crackers, perhaps you should start working more hours or diving in fountains in front of the dollar movie theater instead of kvetching.
  • The obligatory annoying, problematic, less-pretty friend in 80s movies- Fucking Brenda!

    Oh, now you realize this was stupid? Fucking Brenda.

    Martha Plimpton, you think I forgot about your whiny ass just because I like Raising Hope?

  • MYSPACE – Stop sending me emails. Its over. How can I make it any clearer?

Fact: People need to stop giving Randy Newman Oscars/nods…

…he’ll think what he’s doing is okay.

Bloo-dah bah friend e' me...

Oh shit, THAT day again (cont’d by PZ)

Love is disgusting, but we all want the disgusting. So when we’re not being gross with one-another in the disgusting or we have no one to be disgusting with, we hate on it. Don’t get me wrong; for most of us, even when we’re in love, we hate the grossness. But when we’re single, we really hate it. Love shouldn’t be hated on for being so gross. Maybe it’s because there are so many different ways to love and we nay-sayers have yet to come across the type we want…or deserve. With this, I look to the cinema, literature, and music:

6. The Secretary
I am not saying this is the type of love I’m looking for – but really – this movie is sickly adorable. For those who haven’t seen it, basically Maggie Gyllenhaal is a past self-abuser who finds a secretary job with a boss who slowly begins a soft-sexual S&M relationship with her, much to her surprise and fancy. I can’t find a boyfriend who will kiss a booboo, much less fulfill any sexual perversions I may have (which I don’t…seriously I don’t, you guys. I’m like crazy vanilla in bed. Well I wouldn’t go as far as to say that, but I’m definitely not chocolate. Not that I don’t like black guys, I’ve just never……I’m not boring in bed.)

7. Shameless
If you haven’t caught this Showtime show yet…do it immediately. A rambunctious family’s neighbors are a biracial, alcoholic, drug-using, foul-mouthed, sex-addicted, perverted, swindlers living in Chicago who just like to boff, argue, make-up boff, and love on each other. Adorable.

8. The Millenium Series
I know fans of this series would read this and say, “What the FUCK are you talking about? This series is centered on violence against women.” Shut up, assmonkeys. The series is not centered around anything but two very conflicted people, one very emotionally damaged,  and how they befriend each other (the PLOT, however, IS centered around violence against women…in no way am I saying violence against women is romantic…though I did boo Fergie at the Super Bowl…). Yes, people, friendship love is love too. And this is a pretty fucked up friendship. In The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets’ Nest Mikael is asked if he’d be willing to die for Lisbeth, and he responds yes. Gayballs, yes. But also adorbs.

9. Kermit & Miss Piggy
According to me and most of my friends (the good ones), they are the quintessential couple. Cat and mouse games, back and forth, love triangles, PIRATES…they’ve all come into play to thwart the love between Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. Originally, Piggy was intended to be a drag queen which probably tells you why Kermit was initially un-attracted to her…him?  Her. But as time has shown, Piggy is all women and the two even tied the knot in Manhattan. If something can show me how two star-crossed lovers from different species lifestyles can fall in love better than Kermit and Piggy…I NEED TO KNOW. Somebody’s gonna get MAY-WEED!

10. Fleetwood Mac/Stevie Nicks’ “Landslide”
This song was written in a depressed state. Fleetwood was just dropped from the label and Nicks and her guitarist boyfriend were not doing so hot…but (in the vein of the Super Bowl Groupon commercials) at least we got a kickass depressing love song out of it! Oh…and fuck all the covers of this song…especially the one by Billy Corgan. Fuck Billy Corgan.


Happy Valentine’s Day, ya cunts.

Oh shit, THAT day again

I’ve realized that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and while I will be celebrating the holiday by eating peas straight out of the can while reading hundred year old magazines for seven hours straight, at least the blog can have something more romantic going on than an article on punches (as appropriate and just as they may be).  So I now present to you the (admittedly short) list of things that have penetrated my grizzled , craisin-like heart. Just don’t tell anyone, ok?

1. Beauty and the Beast (1946)

I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy the Disney Beauty and the Beast, because that would be a flat out lie. Setting that aside, this movie is visually stunning. Its dreamlike and other-wordly. Maybe that’s  why I’m fine with accepting that a romance so bizarre could happen in this space.

I mean, seriously, yes.

2. Mallrats

Yeah, I dig the mall too!

Not the whole movie. I’m not insane. But the idea that TS was going to propose to his girlfriend on the Universal Studios Tour Ride when Jaws jumped out of the water is, for some reason, the best thing ever. And that reason being that its the worst thing ever and both characters think its genius. So maybe it is, because Jason Lee is always right.

Oh, he’s a Scientologist? Ok, I take it back, it is a stupid idea. Still a great joke.

3. Queen – Crazy Little Thing Called Love/Love of My Life

You can be romantically in love with a motorcycle. I won't stop you.

A love song to love and a ballad that’s bare and honest (yeah, I’m looking at you Don’t Want to Miss a Thing, with your jillion piece orchestra and your clips of Ben Affleck exploding into space) what’s not to like? Still, my favorite will always be the ode to loneliness Somebody to Love. Sorry.  I’m  trying to play by the rules, but that song is wonderful.

4. Kal Ho Naa Ho

This is probably the cheesiest entry on this  list. I spent the first hour of this movie not buying into it – there is a semi-Hindi cover of Roy Orbison’s Pretty Woman, for HSM’s sake. Its not pretty. And I don’t know if its the time investment in these characters or what, but by the end I was a complete blubbering mess. In public. In a classroom, no less. Yikes.

5. Hedwig and the Angry Inch

Fuckin' A!

So I’ve resorted to hardcore cheating now, because this movie is not a typical love story. Romantic and sexual relationships are just a mess for poor  Hedwig.  While they’re a driving force of the plotline, there isn’t a single romanticized version of love to be found here. But the journey that comes from the quest from love is wonderful to watch, so fuck it, its number five. Deal with it.

So happy Valentine’s Day, motherfuckers. Here’s a one day moratorium on moroseness on my part. Enjoy  it.

Say You Wanna Dance!

Dancing? You be the judge

There are approximately 100 things I love about the Whitney Houston I Wanna Dance With Somebody video, and that’s not even counting the fact that I can choose not to think about what a mess she made of her voice while watching. Life is about choices, people.

The first thing is that 80s Whitney Houston is the worst actress ever. Seriously, she’s worse than your little cousin trying to convince you she didn’t eat chocolate pudding today when its all over her face. The way she conveys thinking, for example, is by looking up both slowly and jerkily, as if the combination is what will really sell it.

Recalling all that Hegel she was reading before the show

So then there’s the fact that there are two Whitneys in this video. There’s the serious Whitney, who gets off the stage and immediately puts on a scarf and begins to ponder in a hidden corner backstage. Her brain is in her throat, you see. That’s a Whitney fun fact I bet you didn’t  know. Also, the “smart” Whitney is in black and white, and the “fun” Whitney is the most extreme color explosion I’ve ever seen in my life. It makes the recent Speed Racer live action movie look like Eraserhead.  She throws giant confetti after sitting in a color changing room that only chooses to change to the brightest 80s neon colors technology could create.

Also fun Whitney gets at least a foot more of hair. Is this fair? No. But there it is.

The tragedy of this video is that the concept has to revolve around dancing, and Ms. Houston really is not a dancer. Sure, she can sort of kick her legs around and sort of rhythmically snap, but this is not dancing. So in the video they solve this by having her do a lot of gestures that you do in the mirror in the sixth grade when you think you’re really, really connected to that one Queen song that’s over the top. Then they have her watch people dance while she gets too excited about it. Then they put her in front of people dancing in a vaguely Michael Jackson Bad-ish scene while she sort of points in rhythm with them, and the illusion is complete! Now that she’s a “dancer”, she can shake the other people in the video violently and DEMAND that they dance.

In summation, I am going to adapt basically every look from this video into a modern interpretation and wear it. Even the belted jean jacket.

Ok, maybe not the lime green jumpsuit, but you get the idea.

A thing I like!

Here’s my absolute favorite thing: I love it when someone, faced with any type of artwork that doesn’t conform rigidly to realism, mocks it for being weird and then goes back to eating their Dunkaroos, because clearly anything weird is not worth the time of day (which is not just a saying, by the way, day is an actual thing that happens  while you are sleeping if you happen to go to sleep at 5am).

Instead of allowing themselves even a basic, visceral response to stimuli, the brain short circuits at the slightest hint of novel stimuli and reroutes back to sub-par frosting and fourteen year old cookies, where it should be.

Ewww! I've never seen that happen! Change it!

I like this because I hate having to decide what’s good and what’s not, and I become insanely jealous when I hear others able to make this decision on their own based solely on their personal emotional responses to a piece of work. Blech! That’s what we pay Jay Leno for!