Weird Al is…Awesome?

Some of you may have read this title and though to yourselves, “Of course Weird Al is awesome. Was there ever a doubt in your mind?” And my answer to you is “Shut up you stupid bitch.”

“Weird Al” and “awesome” rarely occur in the same sentence, much less the same context. Sure his parodies of current songs are humorous and even catchy (e.g. “Fat”) but saying that they’re awesome, or even witty, is a stretch.

Lo and behold, I came across Weird Al’s YouTube channel one Sunday morning as daylight reared its ugly head into my room and a hangover more powerful than the Hideous Space Monster sat it’s heavy, sour ass directly on my forehead. What I found may shock and surprise you. All initial reports are that these videos are legitimate. All following reports are that they are legendary.

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So help me god, if I have to spend another two months hearing the sloughing sound of girls  not picking their  feet up in those damn Ugg boots I might lose it.

Chaka Khan, look me in the eyes right now and tell me you got it goin on

If your boots are too damn heavy for  you to lift, DO NOT WEAR THEM. You don’t see my ass wearing cement blocks on my feet, do you?  And believe me, I want to. I mean, think of how hard it would hurt were I to kick your ass for sonically assaulting us all with your decision to turn the entire world into your bedroom with your four hundred dollar glorified slippers. At least if you had real slippers they might have Cookie Monster on them, which is much more attractive then what you’re got going on there.

And while we’re at it, sweatpants make it look like you are reserving the option to drop a load in your pants should the need arise. You gonna do that? No? Put on some real fucking pants. That’s just for your edification. If you want your ass to look twice as lo-o-o-ng as it really is,  I really don’t care. But pick up your damn feet.

Big Sister vs. God

Its the ultimate showdown. Who is better? Only you can decide, dear readers.

God:

  1. The whole people-being killed in his name thing.
  2. Distribution  of awesomeness is way off  in the world – Jeff Goldblum and David Bowie have far too much of the world’s supply.
  3. He created Bowie and Goldblum in the first place, though.
  4. Also, if you’re into that sort of reasoning, I guess he created everything ever. But its indisputable that sometimes your sister will make you stuff like this:

    All sortsa 80s rad. Deal.

    Aw, your sister didn't make you a Thriller pin? Then she's in breach of sister contract. Know your rights.

Sister:

  1. Sometimes gives you hot spots when you’re  trying to watch TV, which is the absolute worst. In case you are lacking a big sister, imagine you’re watching the Bob Lablaw episode of Arrested Development and someone starts  breathing on your back. Its fine at first,  but if someone exhales directly on the same spot for an extended period of  time its like a tiny rain forest relocated to your body, and its awful and the entire show is ruined because now you have to try to figure out how to punch someone directly behind you, which is hard.
  2. When God sits  on your back it doesn’t feel like someone is kneading you with their bony ass elbows. But I think when he does sit on you, you die, so let that point fall where it may.
  3. Feeds you awesome shit.
  4. Yells at a hippie girl for hitting you with a hula hoop in the middle of a crowd at a music festival -seriously, someone needed to tell  her that that isn’t the place for that, and she sure wasn’t hearing the voice of God saying STOP THAT SUSAN YOU’RE BEING A REAL DICK.

How Hard I’m Going To Punch You:

If  you  try to convince me Twilight is a  good book series: So hard your face drops down to your butt and your butt drops down to Ohio.

If you fart really obnoxiously next to me in class: Not that hard. I’m all about that long game, and that’s probably going to shock some more gas out of your  tires, if you know what I’m saying (and you should,  that was barely a euphemism).

If you try to convince me that I need to watch Lord of the Rings: So hard your feet will grow hair. Teen Wolf style, not whatever pseudo-people are in your little movies style.

If you “liked them until they went mainstream”: Just hard enough to deflate your windbag self.

If you’re Weezer and made a faux artsy video that was actually a State Farm ad: I’m gonna give it to you straight – its gonna be hard enough  to break your glasses.

If you’re the sick mind who decided to switch s to z in words such as Bratz and Kidz: So hard your ears will be ringing for days. To the tune of Nickelback “hits”, of course, as is befitting a monster such as yourself.

If you’re Kody, the creepy guy from Sister Wives: What matters here  isn’t the force, but the repetition. Its gonna be four times, but not for the reasons you think. Once for the hair, once for spelling his name with a K, once for generally skeeving me out, and one to grow on.

If you say “no duh”: So hard you’ll end up in the early nineties, where that belongs.

If you’re Cher: Obviously only hugs.

Ask A Gay Man!

Here at AGAF, we know that not everyone in this country is fortunate enough to have access to their own gay man. We also know this is a damn shame. Gay men have their own, far superior culture that they have been hoarding and hiding away for selfish reasons (read: dick related business).

But we’re all about knowledge and tolerance at AGAF. And in the spirit of openness and education,  we proudly present your golden opportunity to: ASK A GAY MAN. Seriously, ask anything your (presumably rural/southern) heart desires.

1. Where can I go to get gay-centric math tutoring? Brian L Brains

craigslist. every gay man can pretty much find anything he wants/needs in the m4m section of craigslist. anything…

2. Theoretically, if I’m gay, how should I feel about Patrick Swayze? -Reginald P. Henderson

the swayze was an icon. throughout the 80’s his hair grew with our love for him. but then tragedy struck. he went blonde. in the beforetime, he was a legend…but then he was…altered.

3. I’m bored of gays now. Why aren’t you all still being like in Will and Grace? – Julie LaLanne

despite popular belief, will & grace was not a TV show. it’s true, ask anyone supposedly involved if they remember anything about a comedy show starring a gay character played by a straight guy and a jew played by a redhairdemon. nobody has any recollection. moot.

4. Is everyone with a lisp gay?

yes. everyone with a lisp is gay. their tongues are full of bitchy wit which makes them too big for their mouths. ironically, this works in their benefit in most cases…

5. What do people mean when they tell me my boots look “so gay”? Is that good or bad?! -Xandi

in that circumstance, your boots look like they attract boots of the same stitch. if my shirt is gay, it probably means that specific shirt wants to fuck other shirts. maybe it’ll be a different thread count or a different color…but esentially it’s a shirt. so basically – that someone wants to fuck your boots, i think…

OkCreeper/OkStupid/OkCupid(Not GREAT Cupid)

Okay, fine. I KNOW I’m a sad mess for being on OkCupid…but who’s more pathetic? A guy trying to get a date off of a free dating website, or Donny-FUCKING-Osmond-GUY-model posing for advertisements on a free dating website. Or perhaps just Donny Osmond……

Oh yeah…

Sometimes I totally forget that people even eat meat!

Oh, are you talking about meat? Oh yeah, I don’t eat meat so I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Oh,  a meat thermometer? What’s that? Oh, to like, make sure its the right temperature so you don’t get dysentary or whatever? Oh, that’s so funny. I never have to think about that. You know, like, asparagus that’s undercooked is like, fine for  you. But  yeah, I totally get what you’re talking about. But, again, let me call attention to the fact that I really don’t. I was just messing with you right there.

You guys are going out for burgers? Oh, I would join you, but I just don’t know what I would eat. I mean, its not a big deal or anything. No, you go. Seriously, don’t worry about me. Its totally fine you guys. Don’t give it another thought.

I mean, its totally worth it. I just feel so healthy and stuff. I’m in like, the best shape of my life. Seriously, the best shape.

 

If you do this shit about your eating habits, your exercise habits, your meditating habits, etc., you need to shut the fuck  up. Like, yesterday guuurrrrrlll.