Reason I Would Be A Terrible Woman #1: Tact

“Excuse me, my ladymouth is gushing. I’ll be right back to take your order after I clog it.” – PZ as a waitreYuss @ Applebee’s

“Your boyfriend’s got a disgusting Chester ‘stache. You must have daddy issues. Oh wait…I do too.”

“Come in here and look at these logs I just made. Lincoln would shit a house.”

“You what? You love me? Fag.”

Neglect

Dear sweet blog-baby,

You have done NOTHING wrong. It’s not you, it’s us. We’ve been too busy to fill you with goodness and cynicism. I promise to feed you very soon.

Love, Us

Where fore art thou, True Blood?

Remember Eric Northman's horrible hair in season one? REMEMBER IT FOREVER!

Fine. FINE. The recent brash of vampire cinema and television is enough to make even the most die-hard undead fanatic sick, mostly due to the wildly unpopular Twilight franchise and their near-psychotic fanbase of “Twihards”. Wow. Little do these Hot Topic spazzes know that a much better written, much more ORIGINAL, better acted, and better created exists with a book series that predates their little Mormon suckfest. “The Sookie Stackhouse Series” or “The Southern Vampire Series” complete with *GASP* sex scenes and pre-marital sex (it’s illegal to marry a vampire…because they’re fucking dead, perverts).

If you’ve seen the show, you know what I’m talking about. Hot fairies, vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters, witches, serial killers…love it. Love it all. Love it on toast. Love it in a tree. Hot fantasy things in hot fantasy-like scenarios including missing persons, “vampire rights”, religious discrimination, and of course, love triangles/hexagons.

Where oh where has my show been and when will it return to me?! Their current fanpage is under construction…I guess ondemand and DVDs will have to suffice until season 4!

http://trueblood.org/

Holy Shit, Remember? (Pt. I)

All That (1994 – 2005)
Setup: An ensemble cast of tweens and children acting out sketch-style comedy routines with a weekly musical guest.Comments: All That: what a winner. The launching pad for several notable Hollywood thespians such as Lori Beth Denberg, Amanda Bynes, and Kenan Thompson…oh wait, all of those people can eat my poo. The only memories this show instilled in my lobes are something to do with Coolio, TLC having some part of something, and hating the little douche-girl who imitated Ross Perot. Really, Nickelodeon? Gender-switching political humor for fail-tweens?
Best Moment: Cancellation.

Nick Arcade (1992 – 1993)
Setup: Phil Moore escorts children into the virtual dimension for adventure style arcade gaming.
Comments: This show is sick. Phil Moore sucks children into a virtual realm from which there is no escape and then laughs from afar as they are pelted with fireballs, bats, and goblins. “Look! Look at you fail! Your digital corpse shall rot in digital hell where your parents will never find you!” Actually, this show was pretty bomb ass. Dear HSM, why isn’t there anything like this today instead of sexy girl avatards on Warcraft played by untouched 22 year-old boydick.
Best Moment: This bitch embodying fail. Thanks, Nadine.

Are You Afraid of the Dark? (1991 – 1996)
Setup:
A group of kids meet each week around a campfire to tell scary stories.
Comments: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this tale “The Reason You Will Never Sleep Again”. This shit was not intended for children. That disgusting guy above was featured in the horrifying “The Tale of Dead Man’s Float”. The only thing that floated was the poo in my pants after I shit them. That particular story was about a high school’s pool that is reopened after a drowning occurred years back and a few kids find out this fucking thing (pictured above) is grabbing kids and pulling them under. NOT. FOR. CHILDREN! There were also stories of creatures stealing campers in the woods, witches boiling children, clowns following kids home…just…pure pantshiteousness.
Best Moment: The terrifying opening credits…

PS: Goosebumps pretty much blew ass.

Clarissa Explains it All (1991 – 1994)
Setup: Purportedly, see title.
Comments: Bitch didn’t explain shit. I was just a child when this show came out and could have used a tween pillar of knowledge of the world. You know what I got? A confused and lame bitch princess who complained about wanting a new Gremlin in the driveway, not having a boyfriend, and how hard life is in the suburbs. Tell the young girls in the audience why they’ll be bleeding in a few years. Tell me why my father hits me while my mother just stares through me like a plate-glass window…TELL ME, CLARISSA!
Best Moment: The awkward guitar riff that plays when her manfriend enters through her bedroom window? Nookie? Nah. Just good ol’ fashioned platonic love. Skip to 0:32 for the beautiful music…

Double Dare (1986 – 1988)
Setup:
Marc Summers hosts a trivia show where winners are rewarded by being pushed through a disgusting obstacle course.
Comments: This show wasn’t double dare, it was…trivia? I think. I don’t know.
Best Moment:
The…physical challenges? Nobody watched this.

Hey Dude (1989 – 1991)
Setup:
A group of “teens” slum it on an old-timey style western ranch.
Comments: Hey duuude. This show started off the awesome and ludicrously relevant why-are-you-married-to-Ben-Stiller-istic career of Christine Taylor. Other than that there was not much else about this show. Honestly, I remember changing the channel as long as I heard the droning intro “Hey duuude…” with a lazy country rock guitar solo. Fuck you, guitar solo. You don’t belong here.
Best Moment: Racism. Seriously, this show was chock full of it. Perhaps they were asking for it by casting a Mexican born actor named JOE TORRES to play the resident and necessary DANNY LIGHTFOOT Hopi.

Kids Incorporated (1984 – 1993)
Setup:
An ensemble of little kids act, sing, and dance in a sketchy, cabaret style presentation.
Comments: Birthplace of Fergie’s fame. It turns out, at one point in her horrendous existence, Fergie was a female human and NOT a ridiculous hermie-Trashmonster. But other than that, I can’t really knock this show considering the fact that I loved it. Was it funny? No. Could these children really sing? Can any? Jennifer Love Hewitt got her start here…that means they could sing, yeah? Fuck no. But Goddamnit I ate this shit up as a mushy-brained toddler.
Best Moment: The intro…

Legends of the Hidden Temple (1993 – 1995)
Setup:
Typical game show taking place in the jungle, oversaw by the ominous Olmec.
Comments: Shit was intense. If you fucked up on the Moat, you fell into fog and didn’t come back. If you done fucked a trivia answer, you do NOT scale the Steps of Knowledge. Worse of all, if you take too long or chose the wrong room/idol during the Temple Run…a Temple Guardian would snatch you away to the back to perform horrible rituals only the Hideous Space Monster knows about.
Best Moment: Olmec knows your name!

The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo (1996 – 1999)
Setup: Mr. Myagi’s granddaughter solves crimes by being Asian.
Comments: I would say that she solved crimes by help of her cunning wit and immense intelligence, but really if she was white and Chuck Norris’ niece, nobody would give a shit and she’d be dumb as a chair. A chair. Mr. Myagi was never happy about the situation, considering they were just humble Innkeepers, that housed an Inn of numerous horrors and crimes. Did the FBI every get involved with this house of innumerable horrors? No. Know why? Mr. Myagi has that shit under control.
Best Moment: Hm…all of it.

Ren & Stimpy (1991 – 1998)
Setup:
Ren is a Mexican chihuahua and Stimpy is his retarded cat friend. Together they are horrifying, hilarious, and ridiculously pivotal in my youth.
Comments: This show was wonderfully drawn, voiced, edited, and written. Holy shit. I wasn’t allowed to watch this show as a child, much like most people in my generation. So, obviously, Sunday mornings rolled around and I watched it with my father. Mom would just sit and smoke while nodding her head. I heard her laugh a few times, which she obviously denies. Anyways…there was no single episode that stood out more than any other or anything of that sort – the entire series is just epic and putrid. It goes without saying that without the booger, nipple, pee, and fart humor that Ren & Stimpy brought to the screen, there would not be the likes of such shock cartoons as you’ll see today.
Best Moment: LOG!

Roundhouse (1992 – 1996)
Setup:
In Living Colors alumni produce a sketch comedy troupe staring all teens and early 20-somethings.
Comments: The troupe known as the Anyfamily preformed various sketches usually involving some real issue or relevant crisis to “today’s youth” centered around a hip hop style and a revolving stage. What’s not to love? This show got a generation of kids into theatre, comedy, and ready for the shitfest coming in the near future (See All That). Though it had a short 4 year run, it is still credited with inspiring a generation of SNICK shows.
Best Moment: Kickass intro song.

Salute Your Shorts (1991 – 1992)
Setup:
Kids go to camp.
Comments: These obviously Canadian kids were annoying yet endearing as fuck. Remember Donkey Lips? Z.Z.? Sponge? Mona? Ug lee? Me too. And I can’t forget!!! The staff and attendees of Campy Anawanna (which we apparently hold in our hearts, which is responsible for the making of us fart) went through a rich tradition of hazing, pranking, getting lost in the woods, and random dubious shenanigans usually revolving around “getting Ug Lee”. What did Ug ever do to anyone? Your parents are paying this man to give you a great summer and you repay him by flypapering his face to the ceiling. Assholes. And that assholish mulleted redneck, Budnick? Fuck that kid.
Best Moment: “It makes me wanna fart.” Nothing makes you want to fart besides waste resting in your bowels. Perv.

Space Cases (1996 – 1997)
Setup:
“Lost in Space” with a school of aliens.
Comments: The black guy from Power Rangers was on this show, I think. I don’t know, I really loathe the idea of reading more into this show than I have to. I’m pretty sure he played the Earthling among the other “races” of aliens. This…was a disaster. Disasters. One year, one season, one reason these young budding actors probably didn’t see another script proposal again.
Best Moment: The near-constant and currently relevant racial tension between the kid from the Andromeda galaxy and everyone else.

Welcome Freshman (1991 – 1993)
Setup: “Saved By the Bell” for people who hated “Saved By the Bell” as well as most television and happiness.
Comments: No comment. I really barely remember this show so I figured I’d put it up on this list like the vague memory of a fart just leaving the room.
Best Moment: Remembering this show.

Wild and Crazy Kids (1990 – 1992)
Setup
: Giant groups of kids on three separate color teams compete in large-scale outdoor games.
Comments: Everyone who remembers this show remembers wanting to be on it. You got to be outside, winning awesome prizes, hanging with Cuba Gooding Jr.’s brother Omar (who, respectively, hung with Mr. Cooper) and getting on TV. Primarily, the show featured near the beginning of its game a giant pie fight where the team captains were also subjected to face-pies. They played Steal the Bacon, tag, hide and seek, Slip ‘n Slide races, rode roller coasters holding water, played Simon Says…ALL for prizes on TV…I mean…C’MON!!! I want that!
Best Moment: Celebrity guests such as Roseanne…and…Roseanne…

Site Review: Test “http://testpi.com/”

The site has a very clean layout that couples well with being aesthetically pleasing by use of color, image, and spacing. The main problem with http://testpi.com/ is that the links are in a non-specific order in a cloud formation as a whole on the entire body of the page instead of being formally organized, alphabetized, or categorized in any manner.

Though the organization really lacks, the site does offer a search to find exactly what you are looking for on the operator’s website. Most notably the website is powered by WordPress which opens it up to a larger range of viewers interested in test information and this site’s specific information.

Weird Al is…Awesome?

Some of you may have read this title and though to yourselves, “Of course Weird Al is awesome. Was there ever a doubt in your mind?” And my answer to you is “Shut up you stupid bitch.”

“Weird Al” and “awesome” rarely occur in the same sentence, much less the same context. Sure his parodies of current songs are humorous and even catchy (e.g. “Fat”) but saying that they’re awesome, or even witty, is a stretch.

Lo and behold, I came across Weird Al’s YouTube channel one Sunday morning as daylight reared its ugly head into my room and a hangover more powerful than the Hideous Space Monster sat it’s heavy, sour ass directly on my forehead. What I found may shock and surprise you. All initial reports are that these videos are legitimate. All following reports are that they are legendary.

Fact: People need to stop giving Randy Newman Oscars/nods…

…he’ll think what he’s doing is okay.

Bloo-dah bah friend e' me...