Here’s the thing…

Some big changes are coming pretty soon. Pretty big and important changes. Such big changes that they warrant a totally independent blog from AGAF though your purveyors of useless garbage (Paperzombie & Elektro Girl) are the individuals this big change is smacking across the face. “But, why don’t you just update about that here?” You ask. “Shut your fucking whore mouth.” We respond. “It’s for your own good.” AGAF differs greatly in everything from the style of writing and topics to the basic information that will be updated on our new blog. But don’t fret, you may still come back to dear ‘ol AGAF for new articles and such. I even added an RSS feed FROM said new blog to the top left of THIS blog. Check out that fuckin’ shit fuck. Ladies and gentlemen…I bring you…

The Epic Saga of Paperzombie & Elektrogirl


Ask A Gay Man!

Here at AGAF, we know that not everyone in this country is fortunate enough to have access to their own gay man. We also know this is a damn shame. Gay men have their own, far superior culture that they have been hoarding and hiding away for selfish reasons (read: dick related business).

But we’re all about knowledge and tolerance at AGAF. And in the spirit of openness and education,  we proudly present your golden opportunity to: ASK A GAY MAN. Seriously, ask anything your (presumably rural/southern) heart desires.

1. Where can I go to get gay-centric math tutoring? Brian L Brains

craigslist. every gay man can pretty much find anything he wants/needs in the m4m section of craigslist. anything…

2. Theoretically, if I’m gay, how should I feel about Patrick Swayze? -Reginald P. Henderson

the swayze was an icon. throughout the 80’s his hair grew with our love for him. but then tragedy struck. he went blonde. in the beforetime, he was a legend…but then he was…altered.

3. I’m bored of gays now. Why aren’t you all still being like in Will and Grace? – Julie LaLanne

despite popular belief, will & grace was not a TV show. it’s true, ask anyone supposedly involved if they remember anything about a comedy show starring a gay character played by a straight guy and a jew played by a redhairdemon. nobody has any recollection. moot.

4. Is everyone with a lisp gay?

yes. everyone with a lisp is gay. their tongues are full of bitchy wit which makes them too big for their mouths. ironically, this works in their benefit in most cases…

5. What do people mean when they tell me my boots look “so gay”? Is that good or bad?! -Xandi

in that circumstance, your boots look like they attract boots of the same stitch. if my shirt is gay, it probably means that specific shirt wants to fuck other shirts. maybe it’ll be a different thread count or a different color…but esentially it’s a shirt. so basically – that someone wants to fuck your boots, i think…

Cake Boss: The Squeakquel

Besides “tits” apparently being a huge draw to our little blog, as well as “how to grow a soul patch” (seriously, guys?  C’mon!); here at A.G.A.F. it strikes us as curious that the top 5 searches to our blog are, in fact, Cake Boss.  What’s curious about this is the fact that the entire initial blog post, as well as various references since, is devoted to our general disdain for the show.  Not only are the end result cakes sub-par compared to those of much more talented and skilled professionals (ah-hem…Charm City Cakes…), but the people in the bakery itself are annoying, reprehensible, horrible “actors”, and extremely hard to watch.

Yep, this looks like food and not one giant shit stain on Gramps' underwear. Dig in, guys!

Screaming, yelling, fake-fighting, fake-cake-destroying, and fake-customers aside…Buddy is a disaster.  Now their wedding cakes are a marvel and their famous canolis (as well as the taste of their products) I’m sure are very good and authentic.  What I’m merely stating is that their ambition needs to be tempered a bit by the reality of their skill set. I’m sure everyone on Ace of Cakes made a ton of cakes that didn’t come out right before getting to where they are today, but they didn’t FAIL on a national stage. Stick to what you know, have the good sense and humility to put in the work on your own time, and for GODS SAKES stop thinking  you can act. Your pranks end in tears…mine, because  your acting is as bad as that joke I just made. That’s right, I brought it down to your level.

Speaking of level, they made a cake for the mob? You seriously expect me to believe that people in the mob are so stupid they go on The Learning Channel to broadcast their mob connections? They might as well have commissioned Buddy to build a cake shaped like a horse head in a bed. Just get over yourself with your “plot developments” and build some fucking cake already. A wedding cake for me, please, with Charles Barkley and Danny Devito on the top, sexually entwined. I mean, tastefully done of course. Also, the top-tier needs to spin and play “Whoomp There it is” while shooting pink flames out of the sides. I’d like to reiterate, tastefully done. This IS for my wedding day, after all.

Also, it's an "Under the Sea" cake...



Are You Fuckin’ Kidding Me? A “Don’t Panic” Review

A face only mother can love...and even SHE would have to be shitfaced.

Calling this a “review” might be a bit misleading, honestly. Much in the same way calling “Don’t Panic” a “movie” would be misleading. First of all, no one in this movie actually speaks English. Besides the occasional “Pleez, somebahdy buhleev meee!” Lord knows why a Mexican production company decided they needed to force feed their actors lines in English and then expected something coherent to follow – a cop calls someone “chocoface” at one point in the movie, I swear.  But I digress. On to “the plot”. I’m done with ironic quotes now. Promise.

This was not doctored. This is her face.

Its Michael’s birthday. His friends decide to celebrate by attempting to rape him in the dark and then making fun of his mother’s alcoholism before using a Ouji board to talk to “Virgil”, who is somehow the devil and for some reason named after the poet that wrote the Aeneid and was the guide for Dante through The Inferno…AKA not an evil guy. Pretty decent guy, actually.  A lot of action sequences in this movie start of with rape.  Now, I’m not saying rape is humorous – but when it’s doctor + mom on son rape, bro on bro rape, guy on girl’s head rape…rape becomes hilarious.

No joke, while writing this Satan is My Motor came up on my ipod on shuffle. I’m done questioning why the devil annexed Virgil’s identity. Clearly I just need to mind my own.

What I’m not done questioning is why the abve bitch is the love interest in the movie. She’s the only one with a unibrow to go with her epic prehistoric brow ridge, and somehow we have to believe she is the loveliest thing Michael has ever seen. They made this movie for shut ins who had never seen a woman before. A small demographic, to be sure, but since they also ripped off like, five other movies and expected no one to notice I’m pretty sure I’m right about their target audience.

Typical date...don't you hate it when demon-summoning semi-possessed mulletards are cliche?

So after the birthday, both Michael and Cromagnum Woman are late to school – and a sign warns them that lateness is grounds for expulsion. What the- seriously? You miss the bus your life is ruined? No wonder everyone has to resort to starring in movies they can’t understand, they aren’t allowed to GO to English class.

So instead of school, they decide to have breakfast. And in the world of these rebellious teens, breakfast means sombreros and letting balloons fly free while staring at them like a slack jawed idiot. And so now they’re in love, because that’s how it happens. You share a meal that consists purely of ice cream and suddenly you want to spend the rest of your life with the person.


So Michael visits his friend Joe for advice. God knows why, the dude is such a loser he’s still throwing up from the one drink he had the night before.


Joe has some great romantic advice. He tells Michael to give Girl a rose and tell her that as long as its alive they will have a bond together. For some reason, Michael takes a look at the man’s hairy biceps and the flower that is going to die in three hours and thinks, “This guy’s got it all figured out. Surely I should listen to his advice and not question why he was hiding a bowl of roses in his kitchen.”

And because this movie is a shitload of fuck, this advice works and leads to lots and lots of intense shoulder kissing.

Also, the dude wears these dinosaur pajamas for at least 70% of the movie’s action. I know Die Hard had Bruce Willis  saving the day without any shoes on, but this is not quite the same. Sorry. Get him a shirt not for seven year olds if you want me to take this seriously.

Oh shit, sorry. I forgot about the plot. So after the shoulder kissing Michael starts having “visions” where the TV and his English teacher are telling him that someone is going to get killed. For some reason his high school classmate is also a nurse at night, and so he has to rush to this reputable and real looking hospital in order to save her.

For those of you keeping track, this movie at this point has already ripped off Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween 2, The Exorcist, Poltergeist, and now….

Friday the 13th. Seriously. Of course it was hairy shoulders. Isn’t it always?

Honestly. Look at that set of jammies. Who even cares what’s happening in this picture, the fucking pajamas ensure you aren’t paying a damn bit of attention anyway.

This picture captures the point in the movie where my brain was completely finished trying to piece together the plot. The plot is there is no plot. Its a commentary on the American obsession with a sanitized and safe version of the seedy underbelly of society. Or eight different people worked on it together and didn’t consult each other at all. I honestly don’t give a fuck which.

As long as it ends in this stabbing by the “demon knife”.

Of all the rapes in this movie – guy on guy, guy on girl, doctor on boy, I think….

mustache on face was the worst.

So in a show down in a boiler room – highly original- the demon who is also the devil and not at all a rip off of the zombies from the Thriller video gets trapped under a casually low-hanging safe. For some reason he can levitate Micheal to a height that kills him when he’s dropped, but he can’t lift the safe off his own body. You know who would have been able to explain this abnormality of the afterlife? Virgil.

So the hero dies. He goes out like that. As all the characters that haven’t died or grown in any emotional way gather together around his grave, Bitchtits here realizes that her flower (remember that piece of idiocy? Yeah, I didn’t either) is her link to Michael. Forever. So even though he dies with her caterwauling over his corpse, the movie tries to pretend that it had a happy ending. Look at her bliss in this picture. The innocent bliss of the totally fucking stupid beyond all reason.

Poll: What is the Most Embarrassing Band You Love?

Unnatural Moments of The Ugly (March ’10)

PZ: Horse teeth and jowls? Who do I think I am, Luke Wilson?

EG: Hey there, grainy webcam! There is never any reason to make an Elvis face…unless you’re a dog with someone shoving a finger in your mouth. I should know better.